Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
