it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Randomize
