I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
