I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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