And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
