They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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