youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
