Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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