Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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