coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
