And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
