I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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