My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
