not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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