it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
