My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
