Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
