Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Dignity is for republicans.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
