i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i think im in europe. pls send help
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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