I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I need to stop coming to work sober
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
