Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
