Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
