I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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