she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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