I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
