The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
