just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
