So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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