Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
if i died would you start the facebook group?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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