She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
