I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
