...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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