I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
