don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
