my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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