do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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