i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
