Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Sacagawea was the original milf.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
