Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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