This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
