I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
