when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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