I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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