It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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