have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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