Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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