The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
