what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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