I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
