alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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