dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
