dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
